new orleans crime plan......OPERATION N.O. PRESSLINE ENT.

City unveils a crime plan
Police chief calls on New Orleans residents
to take 'slay-cations'
By ChaCha Pitoulas
The Levee can't-beat-'em-kill-'em writer
New Orleans Police Chief Warren Riley today announced his first major strategy to dislodge New Orleans from its dubious ranking as the most violent city in America.

The burly-yet-soft-spoken chief proclaimed that the key to truly driving down the city’s nation-leading murder rate lies not in fighting crime in New Orleans, but focusing instead on creating more crime in other cities.

Accused of running a police department devoid of an actual crime strategy and criticized for juvenile explanations regarding what can be done to promote safety in the city, Riley hopes that starting crime waves in other places will cause New Orleans’ No. 1 crime ranking to look better without actually having to do anything here, which the chief said would be “really, really, really hard.”

The chief called upon every New Orleans resident to take part in his strategy, which he dubbed “community policing.”

Under Riley’s version of “community policing,” locals would simply turn their traditional vacations into what the chief called “slay-cations,”

“We want New Orleanians, as they travel this great country, to kill someone in another city, perhaps focusing on other high-crime cities such as Houston or Memphis, to push their murder ranks higher and make us look better,” a smiling Riley said.

Riley then offered a simpler explanation of his strategy to push other cities’ crime rates higher than the nation-leading rate in New Orleans. “When you and your buddy are trying to outrun a charging bear, it doesn’t matter whether you’re faster than the bear,” Riley explained. “What matters is that you’re faster than your buddy.”

The move marks a sharp reversal in policy for Riley, who has been a staunch critic of the crime rankings. In November, Riley simply dismissed New Orleans’ ranking as inaccurate and based on poor scientific methodology.

Riley also noted that New Orleans has been considered one of the most violent cities in America since the “riverboat gambling days” in the 1870s – long before he took office. The chief most recently has been busy assuring reporters that the city’s crime rate – while high – is confined largely to paddlewheels and the novels of Mark Twain.

Metropolitan Crime Commission President Rafael Goyeneche criticized Riley’s strategy, but admitted it was nice to see the chief try something.

If the strategy shows promise, the police chief said he might cease law enforcement operations in the city and deploy officers to other cities to help residents raise crime rate in those cities. He said he would have Louisiana National Guardsmen still deployed in New Orleans shifted to smaller, less populated cities to raise the crime rate in those areas.

“The best defense is a good offense,” Riley explained. “We are in this together. We can’t raise crime in other cities unless everyone pitches in.”